On the Banks

His first school pictures...

2009-11-03T15:22:00.001-08:00

I have been chomping at the bit for two weeks to see Teamir's first school pictures. All of these Teamir firsts are also mommy first so I am a bit of a goober. A week ago he brought home this pumpkin picture...it was his first official artwork and is now framed on the wall in our hallway. His teacher informs me that his class is currently working on a turkey - hand print, feathers, the whole nine yards - I am sooooo excited.

What a great time of year.

Peace

So I missed a day -

2009-11-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

I am not even sure what I am signing on for - something like 30 blog posts in 30 days in November. Can someone enlighten me? I like the challenge even though I am not sure what it is - perhaps I will google.

This weekend was the final band competition for Rosie - my 17 year old step daughter and sissy extraordinaire to Teamir. He has become quite the trooper. Yes babies rule, but when you are the baby brother to a senior, you spend many hours going from place to place making sure the year really counts. Friday night, we stood with Rosie on the football field at the last home game (senior night). She has grown up so fast. I met her when she was 7. We were awarded custody when she was 12 - I blinked and here we are. I am proud of her.

I have two more weeks before I change jobs. I will still be in the same field, but will be working 25 minutes closer to home and working 4 days...I had a yearning for more mommy time with Teamir and was in the right place at the right time.

Not much more to say except I love the blog community and Gladney family. Who knew that when we traveled to Ethiopia to meet Teamir that we meet people wh would come to mean a lot to us in sharing this journey. We are so happy that the family with whom we shared the Ayat #2 will be coming to our home for Thanksgiving. Three children will be celebrating their first thanksgiving at our home but I am the thankful one, for friends, for answered prayers and for Teamir.

Peace

Time flies....

2009-10-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Since we have last posted, we had our 3 month post placement, survived 80% of another marching band season, have kept being knocked down with strep, h1n1, sinus, cough, cold and I have gone back to work which was a devastating blow for mommy. Teamir is assimilating to daycare and actually thriving. He will be 15 months next week. He is on the cusp of walking...we are not quite there yet. He does not have any words although he babbles constantly and is zoning in on the meaning of mama, calls his cow "goo goo" because we said it says moo, and calls bananas "MMMMMMM". He know that our dog is our dog...."where's doggie?"...knows a ball is a ball "where's ball" - doesn't know daddy or mommy yet...am I crushed? Nope. Realistically, I would say T is lagging a little behind but there is a fire of curiosity in his soul...he will most likely catch up. I may check with early intervention in the next couple of months. I am speech language pathologist and talk to him constantly - perhaps his first words will be "shut up, mom". His height and weight are still WAY off the chart but a measurement we have been very private about it cruising nicely onto the chart - head circumference has gone from off the chart to 10th percentile. I love him more and more each day as if that is possible and in watching home movies of our trip (four months have passed) the difference in attachment is phenomenal. Another thing we have not blogged about much is his foot. He has a mild postural clubfoot upon referral. Gladney rocked in terms of seeking treatment for it and it is almost entirely corrected - he wears a brace at night to correct his foot position. Teamir is my heart and my joy.

We are on the cusp of starting paperchase #2 for his younger sibling. I am enjoying motherhood muchly.

Life is grand!

Peace

Important public safety announcement -smile

2009-08-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have very few "been there, done that" travel tips and greatly admire those who do but here is one that most everyone is intelligent enough to know already.

During the entire process from application, to dossier submission, to waitlist, I never figured out the correct time to get vaccinations. It was on my list. I knew it had to be done, but I never knew when to jump in and do it. Court dates got closer to referral dates and well, we travelled with nothing but tetanus and meningitis. I had the first Hep A 1 week before travel but the rest of my family had appointments 2 days before travel so they and the health department bagged it.

Now before you judge me harshly - I follow through on everything in life, at the very least, out of paranoia - the timing of "when" threw me off and I didn't know who to ask.

Flash forward about 30 days after our return. What a month it had been - stomach stuff, pink eye, bad backs, summer visitation, orthopedic and orthotic appts, baby strep....well 30 days goes by very quickly in those circumstances.

Dave started feeling very fatigued - bone tired. He would start out at work and then feel like he couldn't do another thing. He went to the MD with that as his only symptom and got dx'ed with flu because of his white count. The next day (a Friday) he got so sick and couldn't keep anything down. Through the weekend we thought it was a 24 or 48 hour thing. Maybe unrelated food poisoning from a lunch served at a retirement he had shot. By Monday the fatigue was worse and the inability to keep anything down had persisted. He called for another appt and they gave him one concurrent with T's 12 month check up. When we went outside, his first time in 5 days, he looked like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I always thought jaundice was subjective and difficult to tell....er no. He was yellow from head to toe. Blood tests confirmed something that could have been prevented had he been innoculated. He is finally on the mend with no long term effects. I have never seen him that sick and he has reportedly never been that sick. According to him, the true indicator is he has not had his typical daily pot of coffee (pot not cup - sometimes 2 pots) for 10 days. This is a man who would take coffee over shelter on a desert island. The illness was rough on him and the entire family - the well oiled machine was pretty squeaky.

So with that...

Get your shots - I would suggest getting them when you get on waitlist. Or at the very least at time of referral. We intended to, we budgeted to, we had appointments to - but were told essentially we had waited too late.

We are probably the only bozos who have dropped the ball in this regard. Maybe not - don't be the next.

Peace

He's had quite a year....

2009-08-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Those were the words Dave said to me on Friday when I was making plans for Teamir's first birthday. The floodgates opened.

Dave had no idea what he said but the tears have been flowing almost daily since then. My precious son has had quite a year. One that no one deserves. Brought into this world one day before Dave and I got on waitlist, he has encountered loss, illness, feet braces he did not understand, 3 languages, at least 5 primary caregivers, several houses, 3 landscapes, 3 climates, 2 countries, hunger...my heart brims with pain for what he has endured. The culmination of a dream of motherhood has brought me together with my most precious child who has shown strength and has been stripped of so much. My tears flow in gratitude to God for this precious gift and for how I wish the baby asleep in the next room did not have to go through any of this. I love him - I would fight to the end for him - I would go momma bear on anyone in a heartbeat if anyone tried to hurt him.

He turns 1 today - yes, he's had quite a year. I hope this year is not quite the same kind of year. Our celebration is meager. We ordered an Ethiopian flag cake. Dave has been battling the flu for a week so the trip to my parents to blow out that ever important 1st candle is not going to happen, which also makes my heart ache. First birthdays are milestones - one that I actually had asked God for...one of the only things I wanted in all of this journey was a 1st birthday. Silly, I know, but God gave me the desire of my heart. First birthdays fill photo albums and the child sees how vaued they were and are...Teamir will surely know this other ways but this momma wants to cry because days are important to me. We will save the cake for another day, another plan and take some pictures. To him it won't make a difference but to me it isn't the same.

Two amazing events - profound and lovely for his birthday...

Today we received his resident alien card in the mail - Happy birthday, T man...you can stay.

We also received in the mail today, a gift from someone who sided with Dave's ex in the divorce a decade ago and has stayed firmly planted on that side up until 2 years ago. A lot of beautiful stuff going on.

I have learned a lot about my son in the past 42 days.

His smile melts my heart.
His cry breaks my heart.
He loves to bang on things.
He has gone from aquaphobic to loving bath time complete with his pink duck.
He is attaching a bit more each day - he will even lay his head on my shoulder briefly starting this week.
He has learned to crawl like a madman.
He likes breyer's ice cream.
He also likes to eat ice cream cones - the cone.
His foot is not as bad as we thought but will have to wear some magic shoes for a while.
He hates magic shoes.
He can play peek a boo
He has learned to throw his stuffed animals and binky out of his crib to get my attention.
He makes me want to go back for a sibling.
Pretty much the only photographer he smiles for is daddy.
He is tiny.
He loves to feed himself with a spoon - not much makes it in.
He is not much for car riding.
He is the absolute perfect match/perfect fit for my family and I can see why the journey had to be this long so that Teamir could be in my life.

There is so much more that is hard to articulate. I will never understand why I was not chosen to give birth to children, but the sharp pain of infertility is virtually forgotten. There are aspects of the pregnancy birth process I still could be sad about but I cannot imagine, ever, ever, ever loving a child more than Teamir. The whole journey has been like a laboring process or like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the hill over and over only to have it roll back down...I finally reached the mountain top. I am healed.

Happy birthday, little T. We hope you like the fisher price farm! We'll also break out the Elmo bubble blower given by our resident notary and friend, maryann. We love you so much.

Peace

First tooth and first birthday

2009-08-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Teamir's 1st birthday and Iam going to post a longer entry. So much I want to say with so much emotion.

Teamir got his 1st tooth on Friday at the age of 362 days.

Yesterday, I took him to the JC Penney studio for 1st birthday pictures dangerously close to nap time and a 1 hour drive. I know Dave is a photographer but I wanted the props - the cake, the one, the letters that spell one. I brought his traditional outfit and the alligator outfit I referenced earlier on in my blogging. I also brought beads that his great aunt gave to me for him.

This is an emotional time for me...more on that later but for now, a photo or two.

Peace

When the U.S. Embassy names your kid.

2009-07-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I have alluded to the fact that so much that was important to me prior to our trip - BE (before Ethiopia) or BT (before Teamir) - no longer carries quite the importance. I can't look at much of anything the same way anymore. I feel nauseous watching platinum wedding shows, catch myself lamenting our lack of vacation this year and resolving that future funds will be going to bringing a sibling home and some humanitarian causes and not so much basking on a far away beach. I have become the water witch in our household, frustrated with people who think water is an infinite resource and knowing the lack of it causes famine after famine not only in Teamir's country, but state of origin. I find myself sobbing at Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror video as much of the famine footage is not too far from where Teamir was brought into this world and that the famine issues continue and didn't go away when people stopped wearing their USA for Africa shirts. My heart has been touched. I am not asking for accolades nor am I sitting in an ivory tower all of a sudden. I am sure the pendulum will balance itself a bit.

Naming Teamir was such a huge issue for me - I couldn't decide - sort of the "this may be the only time I ever bestow a name on a child and it must be significant and have meaning". I knew we would retain part of his birth name. The human part of me was wishing for a cool birth name - something with an Abe in it or maybe Solomon or Jonas or just cool! Teamir's birth name has meaning but is a bear to sound out phonetically. It sounds more like Tah-amer - with a tongue roll on the end. People try Teemer, Tee MEER. It means "miracle" and without exaggeration, his medical history and social history confirms that he is indeed a miracle. He could have become one of those faces in the Michael Jackson video easily. He even briefly lost his birthname, but another relative knew it when interviewed for his social history so there was no way I was going to mess with that. It would slide snugly in the middle where no one would ever see it.

I digress. We toyed with many names - missionary names like Hudson (Hudson Taylor), Elliott (Jim Elliott), family names like Will and Henry, Biblical names like Asher. We arrived at Gabriel one Saturday afternoon. And so it was done - or so we thought. Gabriel Teamir - and throw in an Archer for a really great reserve wine I discovered called Gabriel Archer.

When we traveled, I was bowled over by everything. Our trip was a comedy of errors. We are pretty low maintenance people but created a lot of incountry stress by our spontaneous trip to Teamir's area of birth - this is a long complicated story and one that is hard to convey, but suffice it to say our intentions were innocent and we are sorry for creating more work for an already overworked incountry staff. I love Gladney. After that trip where we heard Teamir's name chirped several times and were asked by complete strangers if we were aware of the meaning of his name, Gabriel took a sudden backseat and nevermind about Archer.

When you go to the embassy and also purchase your child's airline ticket, everything will be under their first name and your husband's first and last name (not sure what happens with singles). Our ticket said Teamir David. The first week home I had to answer a lot as to why we not addressing Teamir as Gabriel already. I felt guilty (especially with regard to one of my very best friends who had gotten something personalized for him - she gets it though). I made all kinds of excuses knowing more and more that the likelihood of transitioning was becoming less and less. Add to that the fact that I always dreamed of naming a little one after their father. This also falls in line with the typical naming practice of a given name and then the father's given name. David means beloved. I never thought in a million years I would relinquish the importance of naming my child. But his first mother and his future gov't with the help of God gave him a name more perfect than I could ever have bestowed. So Teamir (Tommer - our english butchering) David it is - or TD as in T.D. Jakes.

Peace

39 and holding

2009-07-21T07:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. Each year, that particular day has met with increasing anxiety and sadness as the likelihood of me becoming a mother seemed to be slipping away. I always took an informal inventory of what had been accomplished in this life and what I had not achieved. Years of detours, infertility, custody changes, dead ends in adoption, all culiminating in God placing me in the perfect country with the perfect child for our family. Looking back, I can see His plan, His preparation of me and our family, but in the moment it hurt and it hurt bad.

I turned 39 yesterday and had the most delicious day of feeding and bathing and changing and playing and singing with T. I took some photos in the front yard of him in a chair that was my 74 year old mother's as an infant. I breathed in fresh air and fresh hope that God had indeed not forgotten me or punished me or hated me as I so long ago had convinced myself.

Dave - wonderful saint that he is - brought home a gift at lunch time. He handed me a bag and said, "just another Willow Tree - I had no inspiration". I opened it and around the Willow Tree figurine of a mother and child hung a mother's ring on a ribbon. He gets me and it and the pain and the years of sadness and the culmination in the most beautiful difficult thing I have ever taken on.

The tag with the Willow Tree said it all:

Child of my Heart

Child of the world,

Into my heart you came -

Bringing sun into my life,

Making family our name.

I am a new person - I approach 40 with a different outlook. I am a mom.

Peace

Small Town America

2009-07-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

We have this great pharmacy on mainstreet (which happens to instead be named Church St.) called Woodard's where you can still get a fresh limeade or lemonade and a coffee cup packed to overflowing with ice cream (considered 1 scoop) is 60 cents. For 1.28 today, Dave got strawberry, I got butter pecan and Teamir got a cone to suck on with tiny traces of ice cream we put on it. What a neat thing - is small town America optimal for him long term? We don't know and discuss it frequently, but today it was all good. The other photo is in our yard - he tends to be a happy little guy.

Life is achieving balance and I love the little guy asleep in the room next to ours. I know the love does not always come so easily. I am not sure how or why is has for me. Low expectations? Eeyore syndrome? Waiting so long for my first child? How easy he is most of the time? How happy he seems? I don't question - I thank God for it and pray for those who have had a different or more challenging road. My road up until last spring was very twisted and broken but once we locked in with Ethiopia and Gladney our journey for whatever reason was blessedly smooth. We met Teamir's great aunt 4 weeks ago today. Last night I had a moment while feeding him and watching his tiny hands trace mine where I thought of the connectness I shared with every other woman who has held my son and given him nourishment. It was a cosmic moment that brought me to tears. There is a photo frame in his room with pictures of his great aunt, his caregiver and me - other women have loved him and that is okay. I wish it didn't come with so many losses. I am tired and rambling. Have a good night.

Peace

Two weeks post Ethiopia

2009-07-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in the quiet, listening to the light snoring of a little boy napping in his pack and play dressed in pastel seersucker with a delicately embroidered doggie on the front - for a second week in a row he was an absolute "hit" at church. He looks absolutely precious, but not particularly more precious than when in a lavender butterfly shirt, a pink sleeper or in the arms of Travis Norwood wearing a tired flannel shirt, ruffled girl's shorts and a onesie that matched neither. Somehow all the foo foo doodads and duds I just had to have for Teamir mean less and less and yet God continues to bless me with what was the desire of my heart. Drawers full of brand new and gently used nice little boy's clothes, a stroller and high chair that match, a plaster hand print set.

I am tired. This has been a wondrous and weary two weeks. Jet lag led to huge teen birthday bash led to 3 days of bedridden stomach flu led to Teamir having strep led to me getting a cold. Teamir had us fooled into thinking he sleeps through the night but not so much at this point and 4 days post return Dave's 13 year old slid into 2 weeks of visitation here. I am "verge of tears" exhausted...sick of being sick...wanting to have the energy to hit the ground running with Teamir. I catch myself saying this is what I yearned for so long and it is rushing by already and I don't know how to record mental snapshots. Add that to the fact that I have so much to record for Teamir from the trip but life is getting in the way and if I lose Ethiopia Teamir will lose it, too. Then there is the touch of post adoption depression. Do I think I have an actual DX? No, but I have built up to this forever and it is over and yet just begun.

Teamir is doing very well. He is standing and almost crawling. He is full of smiles and for a tyke who has had strep and an ear infection and prior to that impetigo, not to mention all of the losses of his soul, he is so happy and so jolly.

Must go - sleeping boy is awake and mommy must get him.

Peace

Settling in

2009-07-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Teamir is a joy. He has the greatest smile and laugh. He is busy busy busy. I am not sure I anticipated the on the go nature of a little one who has had his world limited by a foot brace. I can only imagine how this must have constrained his mobility. He is making up for lost time as we grant him a tad of freedom while waiting for an orthopedic appointment. We have been home a week today. In that time, Dave has gone back to work and fought a nasty tummy bug. We have hosted 5 families for R's annual birthday bash on the 4th and I have gotten the nasty tummy bug which I am still working through as I lay here going on my 25th hour (I did get up a couple of times). Teamir knows us to be his more and more each day. I am still learning his cries and fusses and would do anything for him when he whimpers and claps his hands at the same time.

We have not transitioned to his newly given name yet and I am not sure if or when we will. Each person must do what they feel best for their child but having been in Ethiopia and hearing caregivers coo his name, not to mention having many people asking if we are aware of the meaning (miracle), transitioning him to Gabriel has become less of a priority. He is a miracle - he is our Teamir. I have had to answer to many people who have inquired when or how we will change over or even if...I almost feel guilty. I am at a loss when it comes to blogging. Not sure what new direction to take because everything has built up to the day we would bring him home. Anyway - I am sad that Ethiopia is a memory for now and look toward the next trip there whether to expand our family or help in some way or take Teamir back. I still follow everyone's journey but am still processing.

Peace

Home

2009-06-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

We are home and a bit jet lagged. Gabriel Teamir is asleep. Dave is back at work today after having gotten home at 7pm last night. Rosie is at band. I am doing piles of laundry and unpacking. Teamir is beautiful and alert and is often too busy looking at the world to allow himself to sleep which leads to occasional fussiness. I am still in awe of my son, Ethiopia, his birth family and Gladney staff both in country and US. God continued to heap on the blessings during this trip in so many ways. One of which was sharing a guest house and many wonderful conversations with the Rankins. I don't have a lot of words of wisdom or conventional tips - Dave and I are far from conventional. In Mekele, a man approached me at breakfast about being our tour guide - we negotiated a rate and had an awesome day...not very conventional. We took scooter taxis all over Mekele the first day there...also not very conventional. If I had to give advice in any form I would say to soak in your child's country like a sponge, take advantage of a birth family meeting if possible. This is who your child is and to pretend his life starts the day he is given to you is x'ing out half of him. These feelings have been a long time coming but my dear housemates helped me solidify this stance. Ethiopia is very different from the US...very different but an amazing place. Sometimes things there are not the way they are here. Choose carefully how you process this. I have read blogs of parents who write about their trip in a manner that I call holding a dirty kleenex "the food was nasty, the traffic crazy, etc. etc. etc" It bothers me to think that all this is is a rescue mission to some. Ethiopia has a proud heritage. Try to visit the cultural museum while there...so much information. We didn't get to see Lucy this time around - maybe next time. But in our independent excursion we stopped in towns and took photos and talked to people. We saw a stone church, tried a street seller's roasted chickpeas and asked a ton of questions. I sound preachy and I realize that...but I am very close to a child who was adopted and whose mother diminished her birth family, her beginnings, stripped her entirely of her birth name and now that child struggles. Is it because of that? I don't know. I am grateful for everything Ethiopia taught me and gave me and as I unpack physically and emotionally I discover more and more. It is humbling to have a birth family member beam at pictures of their now plumper baby and have them tell me how very lucky he is...it is not humbling because he is lucky. Dave and I and all of our family is lucky. No, we are blessed. It is humbling because of the selfless kind of love that wants this child to thrive. I was a basket case the last few nights in Ethiopia. I was mourning that my son in gaining a new life, lost his country and no matter how much of the culture I infuse in his life, it is still a loss. I mourn that there are people who love him so much on the other side of the world and he has lost them, too.

I'm done. I am probably preaching to the choir.

Pictures

Peace

This is the day...

2009-06-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

So we have a ton to do in the next 3 hours. We are heading to Dulles and traffic on 95 north tends to be quite unpredicatable so we are leaving early to allot time for a walmart sortee in case we remember that we forgot something and time for a quick visit with my brother in Northern Virginia. Our plane leaves in almost 15 hours. It will arrive in Addis Ababa tomorrow night at 7. If all goes according to plan, we will meet Teamir on Friday. Saturday morning....hold the bus....did I just say I meet my son in 2 days?? 2 days!!! Hallelujah!! Saturday, we fly to Mekele, Makale, Me'Kele, Mekelle to gleen as much as we can about the cultural region T is from and to perhaps meet members of his family. I want to ask the right questions - things that Teamir will want to know one day. While that will be the highlight, there will also be other things to see there. If in the right place at the right time, we may see camels bringing in blocks of salt to market. I want to hit the market there and make some purchases for our son as he grows.

I continue to pray for those with court and for those who are waiting for a referral. It sometimes feels it will never come. It does come and for the most part all that follows is a blur and then you are at this moment.

To my fellow travel group peeps. See you on the other side!!

Peace

Can't sleep!

2009-06-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

I tossed and turned most of the night. Preparations are almost complete and I will be meeting Teamir very soon.

Sunday, two of my bff's and a multitude of others threw a surprise baby shower for me at church. So many people knew and no one remotely slipped up. The footage of the surprise moment was silhouetted which is good because it involved a really ugly cry. I was already pretty emotional as this sinks in more and more. Church was quite weepy time as I thought about all of the needs God has met. So many details have been worked out. I wanted to be a mom to a baby. God granted the desire of my heart, years after that yearning began but when He granted it, He blessed me A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over. (luke 6:38) He reminded me He was there through so many little things - the nursery I wanted, clothes that are my taste, and loving friends who would come together on a rescheduled date with 4 days notice to send me off into motherhood. I am humbled. I still have so much to pack but Dave and I tied up so many loose ends yesterday. So here I sit on minimal sleep, needing desperately to go back to bed. I am praying for those with court and Robbin comes to mind. She is an amazing example of perseverence and drive and has taught me so much on this journey. I am up perhaps because I am supposed to be praying and praying I am.

So many beautiful things were said during the shower. But a woman read from her small group prayer journal and it was dated 5 years ago this week "please grant Dave and Ellen the desires of their heart to have a baby" - He has - His timing is perfect.

Peace

Fragrant Gardenias and Karaoke

2009-06-14T03:04:00.000-07:00

Sweet One,

I am three days from boarding a plane and flying halfway across the world where your life and my life will never be the same. You, at your very young age have already had many "never be the same" moments. As I get closer to meeting you and immersing myself in your country, I grow increasingly solemn and sad as to how much you have lost and when we board the plane together, how much more you are losing. I will try never to forget that. You are my son. You are someone else's son. You will be American. You are and should always be Ethiopian. I will try to savor each moment with and without you in-country so that as you can grow I can tell you all about the beautiful tapestry God has woven in this world. You will come home to a family that loves you, hot summers, a kind church, gardenia bushes, fig trees, karaoke at the campground, your sister's 4th of July birthday with fireworks, a dad who always sees the best in the world, a mom with a strong, loyal heart that seeks justice and mercy who sometimes goes overboard on Christmas decorations and who frequently sweats the small stuff, an oldest sister who is very talented with cooking and sewing who is mom to your niece and nephew who are about the right age to play with, your in-house sister who is living with multiple growing pains but who is eager to meet you, a brother who comes a few days a month and more in the summer who does not know it yet but will probably be one of your favorite people. You are leaving behind a country I cannot fully describe sight unseen but one that from what I have read, is full of strong, proud citizens, a country that has never been colonized, full of scholars and athletes, birthplace of coffee (this is important to your father as is much more). I hope I do not make either home for you a fairytale depiction - in life, there is good and bad almost everywhere you go. I hope I can capture the good while there to share until we can one day go back. I know the coming weeks will probably be terrifying for you - new people, new smells, new food and clothing, a whole new world. I promise I will do my best not to expect too much, to help you feel safe in this world. I am so honored and humbled that I get to be your mom on this journey. Just a few more things to do and I will see you soon.

mommy

It's coming together!

2009-06-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

I want to thank everyone for their kind comments, wishes and prayers. We are in overdrive. So much to do but there is an overall peace. We travel 5 days from now. We have tickets and lodging...well partial lodging, it will come work out, we just haven't taken care of that yet. I have a pet sitter, money belts and sling on the way from amazon as well as chargers and batteries for laptops and cameras. One of my colleagues at work has showered me with much love and advice. Teamir has a gently used deluxe exersaucer, a choo choo train to ride on, and some cute boutique-y outfits great for photo ops (her son is three and she was glad to pass these things on). Some other colleagues blessed me with clothes and aspirators, bottle brushes, etc. It was really kind and special. What a whirlwind...I got our changing table put together last night. We have Dave's son this weekend and a visit from friends scheduled on Sunday. Dave did something to his wrist yesterday so he is semi out of commission and I just got an update of my precious son. In the past month he has not only learned to sit on his own but pull to standing!! He has gained a pound and I must go shopping as I think he is too small for him clothes. His sister has taken to writing him letters. R is has a deep, old heart. I am savoring and for the most part not stressing.

Hope next week is a great court week!

Peace

It is with overwhelming joy and awe that we announce..

2009-06-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

that we passed court today and are Teamir G. A. Silva's very proud parents!

We travel in 1 week! GULP! One week!!!

I am numb and thrilled.

More later....much to do.

Peace

PS - for the faint of heart, we told Mary last week we could be ready if there were room in the end of June travel group. I don't think it tends to flow that way. Also, Dave is choosing to leave 2-3 days early if possible to spend more time in addis.

Out of my hands for the day...

2009-06-10T04:29:00.000-07:00

I never heard yesterday that today was a definite no go. I am comfortable in the pessimism zone - I live there. Dave said he is pessimistic about today...now THAT is a big deal. I woke at 1am (8am Addis time) and started praying, again at 4am and then again at 5am - Dave and I prayed at 6 am and I have been praying since then. What am I praying for? Not sure exactly - praying for what I want (to be sure - to be sure, a nice southern phrase I picked up when I moved to NC), praying for peace with the outcome - praying that I can deal with more uncertainty - praying that it won't be long before I become T's mom whether it is today or not.

I guess courts haven't closed yet - it is 2:30pm there. So I will pray and pray for Meredith and her little sweet potato.

I am thankful that today is the last day of school for the students and I have a gazillion things to think about and done before 12:25pm.

Peace

1 day and filled with peace.

2009-06-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

I am sending huge vibes of energy toward Meredith, Ryan and Stella on this day of court. I spent time in prayer yesterday for them. I so hope they get a go!

I never thought in my adult life after all the detours I would be this close...this close to being entrusted with a child by God. For about 15 years it has felt like being the last one picked for a team or not being invited to a party that everyone else was going to. I have not always dealt with these emotions with a lot of grace or class. I have been angry, bitter and sad at times. Looking back, I see that this is the where and the when and the who all rolled into one. It saddens me for the loss my little one has already endured. His eyes look weary and sad at the ripe age of 10 months. My heart hurts for him in so many ways and I want to show him that life can still be sweet. I am bungling this train of thought. I also wanted to clarify something I said in my last post. I said T was lucky and I only meant that in regard to who his daddy will be. Dave has so many gifts I do not possess and I know T will love him. In the broader scheme of things, WE are the lucky ones, the blessed ones. A lady at church gets it. Her daughter experienced infertility and things finally worked out biologically but when I told her about our adoption, her response was "what a gift" - Yep, what a gift.

24+ hours....or maybe longer. Maybe even much longer, but I hope not.

Peace

So much fun!!

2009-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong. I have waited my entire adult life to be a mom. I am beyond excited and hope beyond hope that this week will be the start of a lifetime with T. This is potentially the last weekend Dave and I had to play, so play we did!! R does not like theme park rides and I know that theme parks are a challenge with a little one so Dave and I hit King's Dominion yesterday for a last hurrah. We rode some really crazy rides mostly rollercoasters one after another and then left exhausted. We drove to Richmond for an Ethiopian restaurant only to find they were between lunch and dinner service. They offered to serve us but there is no way I could have accepted being an inconvenience so we went mediterranean. We got back to NC in time to meet some of my colleagues for some laughs and karaoke and R called with the proposition to sleepover at the house of the friend who had kept her entertained all day. We went to Sunday school and during the meet and greet at church (please forgive me), Dave turned to me and said "Let's go to Nags Head". So we sneaked out...I guess there is no sneaking with God. We boogie boarded to our hearts content and basked in the sun. We headed to a wine/beer/cigar shop and got a brand new red, went to Harris Teeter and got three new cheeses and came home to sit in the back yard. (This is not our typical fare in backyard sitting). It has been a perfect weekend of reflection and companionship. He is watching 60 minutes and we are planning on finishing our last Hague training when he is finished. I love this man. I am a lucky woman and T is a lucky little guy. This week likely begins the start of a two week visitation with his son and if all goes according to plan we will hop on a plane at the end of said visitation.

Peace

3 days...

2009-06-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

Three days until court - telling eeyore to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Peace

Happy 10 months, T-man!!

2009-06-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

Got a pic of a smile...finally...yesterday from Ryan! The update was the biggest gift I could get yesterday. Hopefully T and I will meet before his 11th month mark. I pray so!! 7 days until court. Time is flying as work is keeping me crazy busy. The last day of school for kiddos isour court date so it could be double cause for celebration. Baby T is standing...sort of which makes my heart sing!! Go, T!!

Peace

Letting my mind go there

2009-05-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

My name is Ellen Eeyore and I am a pessimist. I prefer the term realist. I am a firm believer in the saying hope for the best, prepare for the worst...only I tend to leave off the first part of that! However, sitting in church today, somewhere between wondering where my precious R was who failed to show up to our usual seat on time and listening to a killer sermon on loyalty to God, I let my mind go "there" - you know, "THERE". I can honestly say it was one of this first times during this whole journey. As I sat listening and pondering, it occurred to me that I might meet my son in as little as 22-23 days. Holy Moley!! I got so excited. It was almost hard to process! I mean of course we are moving forward on this course that we are on but I have done so much heart protecting, it is upon me and wow! Yesterday, my mom went shopping with me and bought a high chair. She wanted to do something for us - she has done something for my brothers before me and so T has his throne upon which he will sit at times and enjoy nourishment. She called me today while in babies r' us with daddy, asking me about what kind of changing table I would like. Sorry, I digressed. Now believe me, the majority of me says it will be after rainy season before I meet my son - why? because that is the way I tick when very very vulnerable. I have so much to do in that amount of time. It will get done.

In other news, today was a pretty rough day and this will sound cheesy and insignificant. We live in the country and I have always wanted a goat. Dave gave me a wonderful, spunky one for my birthday last year. She was my pal and my buddy. Recently, she started creating a lot of mischief in the neighborhood brought on (I think) by the fact that goats are herd animals and she was our single goat. Bottomline...I think she was lonely. Because of the mischief, we had to put her on a line because she kept scaling the fence. I had come to the conclusion this morning that she was going to need to go - for HER sake. It had been an ongoing thought process - I spend so much of my time worried about her in terms of diet and happiness and well being. I mean I spent a LOT of my time with Macy on my mind. This afternoon, Macy greeted me in a much less than spunky mood and started running down our lane. Our neighbor (in whose yard she had wreaked havoc) told me she should meet hoover. I thought that was a code word for a very bleak demise but as it turns out, a man 3 doors down has goats and the Billy's name is Hoover. The man and I kept walking and Macy kept following - I worried I would never get her back home after this trek. We knocked on goat man's door and upon being offered a goat, he gleefully open the gate to his pen. Macy, seeing 3 new friends, trotted right in. It is just now sinking in that I don't have a goat anymore. There are so many huger, more important, more serious things in this world, but she made me happy. She was not happy at all. I think she is happy now. I hope so.

Peace

Still needs some work, but here it goes baby T

2009-05-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

Still more work to do but I got my uppercase living in place and the bedding put in. The crib is a holding place for some clothes and shoes my friend, Angela, gave me.

It was a lot of fun and turned out better than I anticipated. I know nurseries are for mommies and not babies. I also know baby T doesn't give a care that I have meticulously assembled a nautical theme...but I enjoyed it.

Peace

Breathing...

2009-05-27T07:24:00.000-07:00

I spent the better part of Monday and a portion of last night transforming a teen cave into a nursery. I spent the better part of the past 20 years dreaming about the day I could set up a nursery. It has been a sometimes bitter, very windy, often broken road.

I was thrilled after the paint went on the walls and I arrived at the conclusion that my impulsive choices were pleasing to my eyes but nothing could prepare me for the difference an assembled crib could make or the emotions it could bring out of me. I am still peeling away the layers. How a family crib, a gently used crib set, and nautical accessories lovingly given to me for the duration by a dear friend could all come together and spell "this is it"...well, I am waiting to exhale. I have experienced the gamut - tears, fear, giddyness, reverence, thankfulness, more fear, mommy panic, happiness, relief. It comes in waves. Will I be a good mommy to T? Will I really mess this up? Will I teach him what he needs to know for this life and beyond? Will I help him love himself and his heritage and his homeland and this new land and family and God? All of this because of a crib...2 weeks from today is court. I have so much other stuff to get done in wrapping up my year that it is not occupying my every thought. Dave is busily trying to cobble together a preadoptive week excursion into northern Ethiopia, the region in which T was born. That is how Dave likes to spend his time and being a pro at fatherhood, I am not sure he experiences the slight anxiety and occasional sheer panic that I am fending and then those moments of Christmas morning like joy. Our conversations can be quite humorous - I stress about what kind of bottle to use - he sends me emails about in country flights versus hiring a driver for the week.

I will eventually finish the nursery and post photos...almost there.

Peace

On the Banks

His first school pictures...

So I missed a day -

Time flies....

Important public safety announcement -*smile*

He's had quite a year....

First tooth and first birthday

When the U.S. Embassy names your kid.

39 and holding

Small Town America

Two weeks post Ethiopia

Settling in

Home

This is the day...

Can't sleep!

Fragrant Gardenias and Karaoke

It's coming together!

It is with overwhelming joy and awe that we announce..

Out of my hands for the day...

1 day and filled with peace.

So much fun!!

3 days...

Happy 10 months, T-man!!

Letting my mind go there

Still needs some work, but here it goes baby T

Breathing...

Important public safety announcement -smile